If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it too late for me to...?” the answer’s NO, and The Uplifters are about to show you why. This space is for purpose-driven women who want to do big, brave things in the second half of their lives. I’m your host, Aransas Savas, and I’ve spent the last 20 years at the intersection of behavior change research and coaching.
A few weeks ago, I was rummaging around in my grandmother’s things and found an old postcard I sent out in July 2003 to my cherished list of agents and producers in hopes that somebody, anybody, would hire me as an actor, pleasseeeee. Despite (or maybe because of) my long stint as the infomercial spokesperson for The Ab Lounger, I remember that time of life as my “failed actress era”.
When I looked at the back of that card, I thought: Damn, girl, what were you thinking with those fonts? But, also, you were booked and busy. I’d forgotten all of the projects it listed, things I’d done, but erased from my memory. I realized looking back that the lasting feeling of failure wasn’t the result of the number or type of projects I’d gotten, but all the ones I didn’t get. Like so many of us, I believed rejection was the problem. I don’t believe that anymore. I am pretty certain rejection is the goal.
Looking back at that card now, without the rejection scoreboard running in my head, all I could see were the yeses. And I felt so proud of little Aransas. In our latest episode, that version of me from almost a quarter of a century ago (gasp!) got to meet up with current 51-year-old me, and Jess Kaplan, host of the Nopes + Dreams Podcast, who is trying to sort out her own feelings about her career as an actor and writer by talking to other creatives about rejection.
Jess is an actor, a writer, and the host of Nopes + Dreams, a podcast about creativity and rejection. Her spec scripts got the attention of Lorne Michaels’ company, Reese Witherspoon’s Hello Sunshine, and LeBron James’s SpringHill Entertainment. CBS Studios and Frolic Media optioned her TV show. She premiered a one-woman show at the Orlando Fringe Festival. For ten years, she has taught monthly writing workshops to people affected by cancer through Red Door Community.
This episode is a different format than our usual shows, since Jess and I interview each other. I think we found some pretty great lessons on dealing with (and maybe actively seeking) rejection in this episode. I hope you’ll listen to the full episode, but for now…
Eating Nos Like Cheerios: 5 Ways to Build Your Rejection Tolerance
The goal isn’t to stop getting nos. The goal is to get so good at digesting them that they become your morning fuel. So here are the five things we came up with that actually work.
Make nos the objective, not the obstacle. Instead of setting outcome goals (”I want to get booked”), set behavioral goals (”I’m going to get rejected 10 times this month”). The no becomes the win.
Watch for the all-yes warning sign. If you’re getting a lot of yeses right now, that’s worth examining. It usually means you’re only asking for things that feel safe, which may mean you’re not growing. Nos are proof you’re reaching.
Say “that was the goal” out loud. When the no comes, your brain needs a new story to tell itself. “That was the goal” interrupts the spiral before it starts. Say it out loud, even if you don’t mean it yet.
Precision manifest your ask. Vague asks get vague results. “I want to meet people in the film industry” helps nobody. “I want to meet independent filmmakers in Miami who are excited to work with local creatives” gives people an actual assignment for helping you. The more specific you are, the easier it is for someone to say yes.
Name the awkward. When asking feels hard, say so. “This is uncomfortable for me to ask, but it would mean a lot if you...” is almost always received with warmth. Honesty about the discomfort is disarming. It also makes you sound human, which is the whole point.
Lift Jess Up:
Listen to Nopes + Dreams wherever you get your podcasts, follow Jess at @nopesanddreamspod, and visit nopesanddreamspodcast.com. If you know someone in the Miami film community who makes independent projects, reach out to Jess and make an introduction.
PS: Here’s the front of the postcard in case you want to see how cute I was
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