Corporate daddy never asked what I wanted

If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it too late for me to...” the answer’s NO and The Uplifters is about to show you why. This space is for purpose-driven women who want to do big, brave things in the second half of their lives.

---

Most of us recall Sally Field’s 1985 Oscar acceptance speech as “You like me, you really like me!” What she actually said was: “I can’t deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me.”

We’ve been misquoting her for forty years. And I think it’s because a woman admitting to being wanted and chosen reads as thirsty. Too much. So we turned it into a joke, and missed the whole point of what she was saying.

Good girls are grateful. They don’t ask for too much. They accept what they’re given with grace and gratitude. That’s what I grew up learning, anyway. A raise? Oh, yes, thank you! A promotion? For little ol’ me? An opportunity to work harder for you? Sign me up! Every promotion, every high-priority project, every time corporate daddy patted me on the head and said yes, we want you, my heart fluttered. Not just with pride, but with something deeper and more desperate. I must be worth something.

What I didn’t understand was that I had handed the keys to my self-worth to corporate daddy. And corporate daddy, bless his heart, will always eventually leave.

When I lost my corporate role at 46, I was terrified. But I was also, for the first time, being handed back the keys and asked: okay, but what do you want?

I didn’t really know how to answer that, because I hadn’t ever really asked myself.

Self-determination theory calls this introjected regulation, the experience of being motivated not by what we actually value but by the need to maintain our sense of worth through others’ approval. It looks and feels like drive and ambition. But the power belongs to whoever gave it, not to us.

The counter to it is called individuation, the act of replacing other people’s authority with our own, and studies show that it peaks in midlife for women. The same hormonal upheaval rewiring our sleep, our bodies, and our patience for small talk is also setting us up to be true leaders in our own lives.

I’ve spent years coaching women to figure out what they actually want and say it out loud. To stop waiting for someone to notice them and start asking for what they want and need. I am, genuinely, very good at this.

And yet, it’s still hard for me. When I was offered a contract for my book, I was delighted. My beyond-my-wildest-dreams publisher and editor saw the value in my concept, my writing, me. Yes, yes, yes!

But, there was just one little thing…I didn’t have an agent to fight for me. Part of me wanted to run and find one, to outsource that terrifying self-advocacy to someone else. But another part of me wondered: what if this is the moment I learn to really advocate for myself? What if this is a high-stakes chance to practice honoring my own desires and value?

My old self would have low-balled. Would have acquiesced on the terms, made the most of what was offered, celebrated the opportunity, and called it enough. Thank you, so grateful. The fear in me wanted it signed fast before the universe changed its mind.

But I hired a wonderful lawyer, and we looked carefully at every single letter. We went back and forth countless times. Every rep of asking for what I wanted made the next rep a little easier. Just like lifting weights. Just like any practice. The muscle of wanting out loud got stronger every time I used it.

And it rippled. Into asking for a higher rate for a recent speaking gig. Into asking the woman at the airport coffee kiosk to replace my tepid drink with an actually hot one. It’s all the same muscle.

My daughter is applying to colleges right now. Her strategy has been to go where she’s most wanted. The most scholarships, the most emails, the swag. It’s wise. It protects her from the sting of not being picked, and it’s important data about where she’ll belong.

But I keep telling her what I’m still learning: your desires are data too. Not just theirs. Yours. Where do you want to be?

The midlife advantage that I’m only now understanding in my bones is that we’ve been picked enough times to know that being chosen doesn’t guarantee belonging. We’ve also been passed over enough times to know we survived it. The disappointment didn’t finish us. We can afford to want things out loud now. We’ve already paid the tuition.

Paid subscribers, I’ll see you later this week with a series of reflection prompts and an invite to our weekly Uplifters co-working Zoom/unhinged dance party.

See you Friday!

Aransas