What If Your Whole To-Do List Was a Want-To-Do List?

AKA Must to Lust

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Last week, I stopped mid-run to watch a great blue heron standing motionless in a marsh near our house. For twenty minutes, this bird remained perfectly still, waiting. Not because it should wait, but because waiting was the exact right strategy for what it wanted: breakfast.

Not one to ever miss a breakfast, it got me thinking about how often I twist myself into pretzels with the endless shoulds. I should exercise harder, should limit my kid’s cell phone use better, should meal prep, should update my LinkedIn profile. But what if that heron had been standing there thinking, "I really should catch a fish. Good herons catch fish. I'm being lazy if I don't catch a fish right now"?

He would’ve been so distracted that he’d have missed the fishy breakfast swimming around him. And if bird brains work anything like human brains, he’d start to quietly resist.

When we get caught up in our endless to-do lists, they start to feel nudgy and obligatory. Nothing kills motivation faster than shoulding on ourselves. But wants? Wants are magnetic. They pull us forward instead of pushing us around.

The Science of Want vs. Should

Here's what I've learned from years of coaching women through major life and career transitions: when we operate from "should," we're essentially trying to motivate ourselves through guilt and obligation. Our brains interpret this as a threat, which activates our fight-or-flight response. No wonder we procrastinate!

But when we tap into genuine want, we engage our approach system instead of our avoidance system. We move toward something compelling rather than away from something shameful.

I asked folks at last Friday’s virtual co-working Cocoon to set their agendas for the session based on two factors:

• One thing that is urgent and important

• One thing that they were excited to go deep on, and that would make the time feel well invested

My friend Ari from

Upward & Inward: Insight to Impact

cleverly described it as Must + Lust.

Most of us are super good at piling on the musts, but what we need is more lusts.

Here’s the cool part: we don’t necessarily need to be doing different things- we just need to remember why we are doing what we are doing!

I’ve been experimenting with translating every must on my list into a lust. Not fake wants or forced positivity, but getting curious about what I actually want that lives underneath the should.

Instead of "I should go for a run":

• I want to feel strong in my body

• I want to process the stress from yesterday's difficult conversation

• I want to start my day with accomplishment

• I want to honor my commitment to myself

Instead of "I should clean out the garage":

• I want to create space for my daughter's art projects

• I want to find that box of old photos

• I want to feel organized and in control of my environment

• I want to stop feeling overwhelmed every time I open that door

Instead of "I should post more on social media":

• I want to connect with women who need to hear these stories

• I want to share the wisdom my podcast guests have given me

• I want to build a community of courage-seekers

• I want to practice vulnerability in small, manageable doses

Instead of "I should save more money":

• I want to feel secure about my family's future

• I want freedom to make choices without financial fear

• I want to model financial wisdom for my daughters

• I want to sleep better at night

See the difference? The should feels heavy, obligatory, tinged with judgment. The want feels alive, personal, connected to something meaningful.

But shoulds are insidious, habitual, and often so familiar that we don’t know any other way of doing things.

Wondering if your to-do list is filled with more must than lust? Here are 10 clues:

1. You catch yourself using words like "should," "have to," "must," "need to," "supposed to," "ought to"

2. You say things like "I'm being lazy if I don't..." or "Good [moms/employees/people] always..."

3. You find yourself explaining your choices with "because I have to" instead of "because I want to"

4. You notice resistance, procrastination, or dread around certain activities

5. There's a sense of obligation rather than choice

6. You feel like you're performing for an invisible audience or critic

7. You feel drained just thinking about the task

8. The motivation feels external—like it's coming from outside pressure rather than internal pull

9. You're doing it to avoid disappointing others rather than to create something meaningful for yourself

10. You're doing it because others are doing it or because it's what "successful people" do

This isn't about positive thinking your way into loving every responsibility. It's about getting clear on what you actually want and aligning your actions with those deeper desires. Sometimes that means realizing you don't want something at all. Sometimes it means discovering that you want it more than you thought, just for different reasons than you expected.

Interested in exploring further? Become a paid subscriber to access a week-long Must to Lust Experiment.

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