Not back to normal

One week ago, I stood on the edge of a volcano in Ecuador and wondered how grief and awe could exist in the same breath. Just a few days before that, I'd been holding my grandma's hand for the last time, the woman who raised me, who showed me how to pump my legs when swinging from the high branches. Now here I was, thousands of miles away, my heart both broken and somehow expanding.

A client asked this week if I was "back to normal". But what is normal after loss? What is normal after you've hand-fed iridescent hummingbirds that hover like tiny miracles inches from your fingertips? After you've petted an alpaca whose gentle eyes seem to understand something about presence that humans often forget?

I'm not back to normal. I'm back to something new.

My grandma used to say that hard things shape us like water shapes stone – not all at once, but in countless small moments that add up to something beautiful and enduring. The trek up that volcano left my legs aching, but the view from the top gave me perspective I couldn't have gained any other way. Isn't that just like loss? It hurts. It changes the landscape. But it also lets us see more.

"Back to normal" implies there's some baseline we return to, as if we can simply pick up where we left off. But every significant experience – whether heartbreak or adventure – becomes part of us. We don't go back; we go forward differently.

What I'm discovering in this new normal is how grief has heightened my senses. The blue of the ocean outside my window seems more intense. The bird songs more distinct. The laughter of my teenage daughters more precious. Loss makes you pay attention. So does standing at the rim of a volcano, or watching a hummingbird's wings blur with impossible speed.

I'm sharing this with you because I suspect many of us are navigating our own new normals right now. And perhaps that's not something to rush past in search of familiar comfort, but rather something to explore with curiosity and care.

On The Uplifters Podcast last week, we shared the story of the extraordinary Angela Wilson, who translated her deep grief into a mission to make and share free art. It’s really, really beautiful, and I’m so much better for hearing her story. You can listen using the link below.

With you in this glorious, heartbreaking, adventure-filled journey,

Aransas

PS: If you're in a season of grief or significant change, let’s be gentle with ourselves. "Normal" is allowed to take whatever shape it needs to right now.

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