Midlife Isn’t About Becoming Someone New

Vaginas, Singing, and Stories

If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it too late for me to...” the answer’s NO and The Uplifters is about to show you why. This space is for purpose-driven women who want to do big, brave things in the second half of their lives.

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Photos by the wonderful Lia De Feo, who travelled across lines to cheer me on.

Last week I performed in a reading of The Vagina Monologues.

I got a bachelor’s degree in theater directing and scenic design and a master’s in acting, but then all of that creative energy then got funneled into my corporate career. I haven’t acted on a stage in 25 years. (Well, there was a wild day of play with Eliza Factor last midsummer, but otherwise? Nada.)

This was low stakes from a performance standpoint, a casual evening raising funds for 180 (a wonderful nonprofit supporting women battling domestic abuse), a chance to meet new people in my community, to give voice to our experience as women, to say vagina in front of my teen daughters 1000 times, and to revisit a past version of myself.

Everywhere I looked last week, I saw other midlife women doing the same thing.

Sari Botton at Joe’s Pub accompanied by Ross Rice

A few days later, Carla Zanoni and I went to Joe’s Pub to watch Sari Botton and crew in The Oldster Variety Hour. Having read Sari’s memoir and interviewed her for the podcast, I had a sense of what it meant for her to step onto that stage and sing in front of a sold-out house. Singing was the thing she did alone as a child, something she connects to vulnerability. Seeing her share her private practice with friends and strangers felt like watching someone reintegrate her little girl self in real time.

The next morning, Carla was scheduled to edit the final chapter of a memoir she’s been working on for decades. And that same day? She was returning to the offices of a former employer who plays an important role in that story. Like revisiting middle school, a world that once felt so huge suddenly felt very small. Past and present colliding in the most surreal way.

Meanwhile a meme was trending on social that said: “Midlife is becoming who you were again at 16 but loving her this time.”

Personally, I don’t even remember 16, so maybe the year itself isn’t important. But it seemed that everywhere I looked, everywhere I went this week, I saw us all doing the same thing: Revisiting parts of ourselves we set aside in the frantic years of early adulthood.

We hear a lot about midlife transformation. About becoming someone new. About reinvention.

But that’s not actually what I’m seeing happen.

What I’m seeing is reintegration.

Midlife isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about remembering who we were before we learned to be who we thought we should be. And folding her into the whole of who we have become.

Not with the shame of “why did I give this up?” Or the regret of “I wasted so much time.” But with the tenderness of “oh, there you are. I’ve missed you.”

Why This Happens in Midlife

Research shows that midlife is actually when we become MORE ourselves, not less.

Psychologist Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne spent decades studying identity processes in adulthood and found that midlife is a period of identity integration. We stop compartmentalizing the different parts of ourselves (professional self, creative self, mother self) and start bringing them together. This integration creates what a feeling of authenticity—living in alignment with our core values and true preferences rather than external expectations.

But why does this integration happen now? A few things converge in midlife that make this possible:

Our brains are literally rewiring. The menopausal transition (which yes, includes perimenopause) involves major brain restructuring. Estrogen fluctuations trigger significant changes in brain metabolism and structure. And while most of the research focuses on the challenging parts (hello, brain fog), there’s also evidence that the brain adapts and compensates during this transition. We’re not just losing things—we’re reorganizing. The brain looks for new pathways, new fuel sources, new ways to function. This rewiring might be exactly what makes space for us to think differently about who we are and what we want.

Nostalgia anchors our identity. Research by Dr. Constantine Sedikides shows that nostalgia—connecting with our past selves—actually strengthens our sense of identity and increases feelings of meaning and purpose. When we revisit the things we loved before we learned to be “practical,” we’re not being childish. We’re anchoring ourselves to the continuous thread of who we’ve always been, which gives us clarity about who we’re becoming.

What Are You Reclaiming?

This isn’t about quitting your job to pursue your childhood dream of being an astronaut (though if that’s your jam, go for it).

It’s about asking: What part of me did I set aside? And what would it look like to bring her back?

Maybe it’s:

• The girl who wrote poetry before she was told to be practical

• The woman who loved dancing before she decided her body wasn’t the right shape for it

• The person who asked big questions before she learned to stay quiet

• The one who made art before she decided she wasn’t good enough

• The voice that spoke up before she learned it was safer to stay small

You don’t need to make it your career. You don’t need to be good at it. You don’t even need anyone else to see it.

You just need to say: “Oh, there you are. Come back.”

Standing on that stage last week, I wasn’t trying to become an actress again. I was just letting that part of me back in. The part that loves trying on stories and saying them out loud. The part that feels alive in front of an audience. The part that I set aside when I decided I didn’t want acting to be my career.

And you know what? She still fits. Maybe even better now because I’m not trying to prove anything. I’m just playing.

This Friday: A Room Full of Reclamation

This is exactly what we’re doing at Uplifters Live this Friday, March 13. 20+ women will share their journeys, worries and brave moments. It’s the kind of of room where we remember who we were and fall in love with her again. When we revisit the past, look at it with our present eyes, we Create the Future, this year’s theme for the day.

A few tickets remain. If you’re feeling the pull to reclaim something—your voice, your creativity, your boldness, your play—come be in community with women who are doing the same thing.

Paid subscribers, I’ll see you later this week with a series of reflection prompts to help you tap back into some of those little girl dreams that have been hanging out in some dusty corner of your brain.

See you Friday!

Aransas