I Don’t Know How to Feel About My Body
If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it too late for me to...” the answer’s NO and The Uplifters is about to show you why. This space is for purpose-driven women who want to do big, brave things in the second half of their lives.
I joined Weight Watchers at 22, and for better and worse, for the first time in my life, I had a tool set that gave me some semblance of control over a body I’d never felt good in. I’d been the chubby kid. I’d never exercised. And suddenly, I had a system. Rules I could follow. Proof that I could change things.
It all worked pretty well for a long time. For twenty years, I just kept feeling a little better in my body. I fell in love with distance running and ran 25 marathons. I had cute little arms and shoulders and a big curvy booty I tried to appreciate (though usually didn’t). Some women feel their hottest in high school and spend their lives chasing those days. That wasn’t me. I was like, thank goodness I had low self-esteem when I was young, because I think I just keep getting better.
My mid-40s changed things. A couple pounds before the pandemic, a couple during, a few more after. But if I was really “good,” I could move them. My clothes still fit. I didn’t worry too much.
Then, somewhere in the last year, my old tricks stopped working. Meanwhile, I’m lifting heavier and heavier, my shoulders and arms are getting bigger, my butt is getting bigger, and I literally hulked out of my favorite denim shirt and had to enlarge my favorite trousers (though I think maybe it improved them).
I tell myself over and over that this is my big, bold era for taking up space. And I think sometimes that it’s actually a genius strategy to be a bigger size in this stage of life. After all, our bones get more brittle with age. Isn’t it better to have a little padding to bounce off of when we stumble? (I’m choosing to believe this. Do not take it from me.)
A few weeks ago, I sat on panels alongside teams of doctors, there to help clinicians understand the mindset of midlife women as it relates to our bodies and weight. While privately not entirely sure what I think about my own body right now. One doctor said, “Chase strong like you used to chase skinny.” That sounds good.
And I feel good too. Strong and capable and powerful. I threw out my back last week and I still feel pretty freaking great. I’m proud of what my body can do. But unlearning decades of rules about what my body is when it’s “good” is a lot harder than I want to admit.
Weight Watchers didn’t teach me to respect my body. It taught me to follow rules written by someone else. Maybe that was what I needed then. Now I’m in the awkward, unglamorous work of learning to write my own rules. I mean, what is midlife if not this?
What if the real gift of this forced hormonal reset isn’t just learning new tools for this stage? What if it’s the chance to completely rewrite the story I’ve been telling myself since I was a chubby little girl? Like when your computer freezes and you finally have to shut it all the way down, and when it comes back up, it runs faster and cleaner than it has in years, because it finally had the chance to offload all the old crap.
I still don’t know how I feel about my body. But maybe that’s what writing your own rules feels like from the inside.
How about you?
*Big thanks to the Ideal Protein team for caring not just about menopause, but about the mindset of midlife women. Rare and appreciated.
PS If there's a version of yourself you're ready to step into, one that's done running on an old system that stopped working, that's exactly what I do with my coaching clients. We get clear on the vision. We make a plan. We make it real. Reply to this email if you want to talk about working together.
PPS Paid subscribers, I’ll see you later this week with a series of reflection prompts and an invite to our weekly Uplifters co-working Zoom/unhinged dance party.
Thanks for tackling this Aransas! Those questions just get stickier (as do the pounds!) as we get older. I like the notion of “chasing strong like we used to chase skinny”.